My Struggle with Consistency

It's both beautiful and extremely frustrating when things suddenly become so clear to me in my head at randomly scattered points throughout the week, occurring mostly at night. I estimate that only 10-20% of the time I am as as focused as I am right now, ironically during the time in which I am completely immobile and in bed. All of a sudden I am remembering all the things I forgot to do this week, and all the things I still have to worry about completing. I have to follow up with Edyta from Barney's. I have to finish my FASFA. I just realized my two sister's birthdays are coming up this month. I must make sure to bring my planner to bed from now on.

All of a sudden I get very emotional and I miss my family and I thank god for them and pray that they remain safe and reach all of their dreams eventually. I also begin fantasizing about my career and all the things I want to do with my art and all the different places I'll get to experience. I then take my thoughts even deeper and begin to think about myself as a coordinate on this vast and complex grid of countless variables . . . we are all rare points of intersections of all these different variables like genes, region, era (the time we were conceived and brought into existence), life events, etc. I feel lucky to have been conceived and born with the genes that I possess, that I am American, that I was born during a time where I could be free as a homosexual and as an ethnic minority. Everyone including myself is basically a product of the combination of those variables plus many more, right? So if I was exactly the same but was born 200 years ago, I'd be a different person . . . or if everything was exactly the same but life events were very unfortunate for me and I lost my parents at an early age, I'd also be different. So as of now I am thankful for the X,Y,Z coordinate that I occupy on this vast grid of life that we all exist on.

Life can all of a sudden appear very cold when you analyze things too much. That's why I ackowledge things that I cannot explain like the idea of a soul. I'd say it's comforting knowing that somethings in life will never be provided a textbook definition, sometimes things are better off unknown. I may be a product of the intersection between those many variables I was speaking of above, but I have a feeling that my soul is a non-variable and would have been the same regardless of what era or what country I would have been born in, or - in uniform to my statement above - what X,Y,Z coordinate I would have been expressed as. I feel very happy with the current harmony between my soul and my X,Y, Z expression . . . I feel completely unlimited in my potential. I've probably lost you readers out there as I have lost myself a little lol. I think I'm on to something here though.

My goal is to be this focused 50-75% of the time and to always know and feel that I am a very lucky guy in all ways I could hope for. Most of us are, we just don't know it. Okay, I'm going to jump out of bed to creep downstairs now to get my planner. I've got some tasks to scribble down. Shh!

Bonne Nuit,

X Joshua